Economic BLUES

I'm sure everyone is well aware that we are in the midst of a recession. Tens of thousands of people are losing their jobs everyday, major corporations are either begging for money or are on the brink of extinction, and people just aren't spending the way they used to - which leads me to my main question.

*Have you ever stopped to think about how much certain things are really worth?*

Day after day I see sale signs and get constant e-mails trying to lure me into shopping but I just had the thought.. if these businesses can sell things at such low prices, how much were those items really worth to begin with? Sure we live in a capitalist society that marks up costs for corporate financial gain, but have we ever considered by how much? It's crazy to me that my coworker just bought a pair of jeans for over $100 on sale. When she showed them to me I realized that they were the exact same ones I bought last week for $35. I mean.. these jeans originally cost close to $200 so both of us saved some serious dough but come on.. she paid 3 times what I paid for the same product.

Anyway, I don't have some big time solution to the state of the economy, nor do I have any answers to the questions that I'm asking (lol). I just thought it was weird (but extremely exciting) that I have bragging rights on the jeans and thought I'd share :)

By any other name...

Okay, so... I'm a firm believer in a person's name being their most prized possession. Your reputation, how you conduct yourself, and your track record are all linked to your name. Call it your stamp.. your fingerprint.. whatever! The point is that's what you're known by. Here's the deal. I may be a little late since I don't really listen to the radio anymore but I fell in love with this song "So Fly" that I overheard at a lounge. Me and the friend are chillaxin and having a great time so I asked who it was and was shocked to find out it was Slim from 112.. But then sure enough I heard the yodeling and the signature squeak and I knew it was him. That was two months ago.

Fast forward to today. The song pops into my head and I decide to check out the video. I see this plump dude prancing around singing about superstar status and I'm wondering WHERE IS SLIM and WHY is this dude lipsynching his lyrics??? I'm sitting there WAITING for Slim to show up but then I look a little closer and realize that the plump boy is him. Slim is no longer slim. What's going on? I mean.. dude used to look like a stick and now.. he looks a little porky. There's nothing wrong with gaining weight. We all do it but umm... wasn't he named that based on the fact that he used to have a SLIM build? So now that he's not "slim" anymore, should that still be his name? I'm just sayin...

You're supposed to stay true to your name, right?






Just another random thought in this crazy little head of mine... don't mind me.

What I've always known but finally learned

Ladies.. have you ever heard the saying "let a man be a man?" All my life I've heard this from my mom, my aunts, and every other woman in between but never did it click until the other day. A lot of us Millenial Women (copyrighted by DMW) have watched too many movies or read too many books and think that the only way a man can win us over is to ride in on his high horse and woo us with chocolates, flowers and pledges of his undying love so when they do little things to show they care we take them for granted and brush them away saying, "but that's not what I want.. that's not how I envisioned you sweeping me off my feet." Get over yourself. Maybe he's not the romantical type (and yes I know that's not a real word). Maybe his idea of being there for you isn't a spontaneous trip or phone calls every 5 minutes to tell you that he's thinking about, but we need to start paying attention to the details ladies. We want men to do things that show they care but we need to be willing to let them do it their own way. Let that man be himself.

I want that old thing back

Do you remember back in the day when you used to hear a song on the radio and it would make you think of a special person or time in your life and make you smile. Every time I hear Quiet Storm by Mobb Deep I think back to the college days when me and the girls had our freestyle sessions in the car or that love song that was playing when I got my first kiss and I wonder.. What happened to those days? What happened to happiness?

We get so caught up in the routine... Go to work. Go home or if you still have some kind of social life go to a happy hour and then go home. You may watch a little TV, kick it with friends every now and then, but at some point life just becomes a mindless cycle where memories are no longer created and the monotony of every day "stuff" becomes the norm. I don't want any parts of it. I'm taking it back to the summer of 2004 when Slow Motion (Juvenile) had me and the girls acting the fool on jet-skis in Miami followed by spontaneous games of midnight truth or dare on the beach. I want that old thing back.. and dammit I'm gonna get it.

Things that make me go hmmm....

I've been gone for a minute.. life happens and it surely never fails to offer more ignorance to exploit. This may not be one of the funny blogs about light skinned people that you've grown accustomed to but excuse me while I clear my throat...

1. Where are all the good women hiding?

So.. I went out to a bar this past weekend to watch my gf slurp down a few strawberry mojito's. We're chillin, shooting the breeze when Ebony and Ivory sitting next to us try to get our attention. Ivory states that he's recently divorced.. for the third time and walks away. I'm thinking 'perfect.. now we have more room at the bar.' Wrong. Ebony decides to slide on over and start talking pure unadulterated drunk babble. Our biggest mistake was entertaining this fool. He's just talking, talking, and talking but then toward the end of his soliloquy he decides to buy us a drink before we leave. He called it a parting gift for us being so "nice." Wonderful. Payment for our torture of his spitlaced Ebonics. So we drink this so called 'Pink Punani' (*don't ask*) and after a few more minutes we ask the bartender for our check. Note: This is where it gets good. This boy looked amazed when we both pulled out our credit cards to split the tab. Not because we weren't arguing over the bill but because we were paying it to begin with. In his most dumbstruck voice (which, by the way, wasn't hard for him to achieve) he goes, "see... y'all are some dumb b*tches..." SAY WHAT NOW?? My shots of cranberry juice were the only things keeping me sane at that moment so I had to ask what he meant. His soliloquy started again.. He said we were dumb because we hadn't walked out on our bill or said our tab was on him. This made me pause. Was this dude serious? It was so disheartening when I realized that he was. He sat there and tried to "school" us on how to play men. But wait.. Isn't that ungood? Why would I want to play a guy and stick him with a tab that wasn't his. Then when he found out that we had real jobs and were in school AND had no kids he was flabbergasted. This fool even had the nerve to say something about "our kind" existing. Our kind? You mean, the kind that are on a career path, trying to make something of themselves? Is that the kind he was referring to. What made it worse is when he asked if we paid our own bills too. Now, you know what.. enough was enough. Is this the reality for men? Has it gotten so bad that the real women can't even be found anymore? Is that why when a guy finds a real woman he doesn't know how to hold on to her, because he doesn't know what one looks or feels like? I'm perplexed but I will tell you that I walked out of that restaurant deeply saddened.

2. When did fake become the new real?

Fake boobs. Fake a**es. Fake friends. Can someone please tell me when this became the norm? I missed the memo.

3. If you don't have anything nice to say...

Sit down and shut up. I'm tired of bitter, insecure people putting down or getting in the way of others just because they're unhappy with themselves. As much as people have irked me, what would it benefit me to sit down and waste time talking about them? They're obviously doing something right if you have their names in your mouth so start checking yourself on who and what you're parting your lips about because who looks dumber.. the person spreading someone else's business or the person who made a mistake while creating business for you to talk about?


That's all for now...

Last night a gChat saved my life

I'd like to slap whoever said that breaking up over IM is not acceptable. What world are they living in? At this point in time it's not about love letters and throwing rocks at windows followed by long walks through the park. NOT. AT. ALL. Instead a lot of our pseudo-relationships are based on technological advances. First it was the cell phone. Then we were blessed with instant messaging. Shortly followed by text messaging.

A note on that: I can't believe I've had a strictly text message based relationship. Like.. really. I've grown to like texting and all but I realized that arguing over text messages is NOT what's hot in the streets. Neither is trying to text-sex me. Don't you think calling and asking "what are you wearing?" in a sexy half asleep I'm thinking about you voice is better than hearing your phone vibrate on the nightstand only to pick it up to read: 'wut u got on?' Clothes biatch. I mean.. come on dudes.

Anyway, back to my original point. So after text messaging we were blessed with the highest level of instant communication. We all know her as gChat. A combo text/IM/cell phone deal that has had me sitting up at all hours of the night losing out on sleep. But this is no ordinary chat *drumroll please* they can be saved into my e-mail inbox!!! Forget the fact that I can remember what someone said 3 years ago right off the top of my head. Now I can use that mental space for other stuff like calling idiots on their BS.

So this fool decides to lie to me. Don't do that. I'd prefer an honest a**hole over a lying nice boy anyday -- at least I know what I'm working with. So this dude rubbed me the wrong way since day one but I stuck it out because I'm thinking he's different. He's nice. Has his stuff together. Yadda yadda yadda. But this arse lied. Now why'd you have to go and do that?? So as he's talking trying to get himself out of the hole he dug, I thought ohhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhh.. we were talking in gChat. So while he's running off at the mouth, I proceeded to log onto my computer and do some investigation. Sure enough in black and white were this dummy's lies.

By now you should know I'm ignorant. If you didn't then I'm forewarning you. I forwarded the conversation, highlights and all and told him to check his mail. Sure enough, he logged on. Silence. Waited for it.. The gChat window opened. Hey. (Hey?). So there's all this "**** is typing" going on at the bottom of the screen and I'm laughing because I would just love to hear what this ignoramus has to say. So after like 5 minutes of his "typing" I figured, you know what. Why am I wasting my time? I thought over our short lived "relationship" that had all been built on that simple lie. Btw.. whatever primary method of communication you used in your relationship is a channel you are allowed to use for breaking up so since a lot of our conversations took place online I figured I'd do him a huge favor and immediately put an end to his torture of trying to lie his way out of a lie. My little scribbly pencil thingy lasted all of 5 seconds. It said, "don't bother. it's been real.."

I hope he has the save feature highlighted on his gChat...

Happily NEVER after

I've been hearing all this buzz about Will Smith's open marriage. Apparently he and Jada didn't agree to "forsake all others" in their vows because it's human nature to be attracted to other people. Riiiight. So maybe that explains the random married dudes who seem to be on the prowl in DC. Have married men become the new craze?

I wish I could count on one hand the amount of guys that have approached me requesting to go out on a date. They ask if I'm single and of course I answer yes. Naturally I'm going to ask the same in return and that's when I get the, "See.. what had happened was.. I'm not happy" response. What the heck does that have to do with me? Not that I'm an advocate of divorce but if you're so darn unhappy do SOMETHING about it not someone.

A friend of mine recently went out to a club and met a guy. After a long night of dancing, flirting and the like she asked him how old he was. After telling her he was 35 she happily told him that he was her perfect dating age only to be presented with a ring bearing raised left hand to which he quickly added "I don't date.. I'm married." So let's be clear here. You're disprespecting a lady by telling her "no I will not date you but I WILL f**k you" and you still expect that she'll be okay with that and give you her number??? Don't even get me started on how trifling that is but it really got me to thinking..

For every woman like my friend who will turn away such nonsense there is at least one who will accept it. Lately my girlfriends and I have been discussing the state of the dating scene in metropolitan areas. For every 1 man there's about 10 women. Not to excuse it but it's no wonder men can't be faithful. The females are ultra-competitive and like the saying goes, "what one won't do another will." Women are willing to share men hoping to ultimately be the one he chooses and of course the men are lapping up all that attention and using it for their sexually exploitive gain. I mean, if I was a dude, I would probably do it too. Then count in the fact that the pool of progressive Black men is smaller so the ratio can easily become 1 man to every 15 women. It's sad. So then what do some of these women do? You got it.. they start dealing with "unhappy" men, hence the new flurry of married losers acting like they have no sense and thinking they've found the key to happiness in infidelity with single unattached vulnerable women. **sigh**

So back to Will and Jada. I'm not here to knock anybody's hustle but as if the unhappily married excuse isn't bad enough, enter the school of thought that married people should be able to do what they want because they're consenting adults. **double sigh** Sure it's natural for us to be attracted to other people but to act on it is another thing. What ever happened to monogamy and the sacred institution of marriage? Has it become so devalued that we're willing to sacrifice the things that we need to attain (if only temporarily) the things that we want. Let's take it a step further and question what example we're setting for our kids by showing them that values such as commitment and love and respect are trumped by the selfish pursuit of self pleasure and indulgence. And to break it down even more simply let's think about stereotypes. Will and Jada claim they haven't stepped outside of their vows yet but let's say they do.. when it's all said and done old Smithy boy will be viewed as "the man" while his dear wife will be perceived as a promiscuous (albeit beautiful) hoe.

There used to be a time when you could tell someone you were married and then the pursuer would back off. What happened to those days? When did unhappily ever after become an excuse to break or alter marital vows?

From extraordinary.. to ordinary

Say you have an addiction. This addiction literally makes you high. Just the sheer mention of it brings that starry look into your eyes. Nothing grabs hold of you the way it does. Nothing takes over your senses the way it does. Nothing can make you do crazy things the way it does. Do you let it go?

Now say your addiction is a person. Nobody moves you the same way. Nobody's voice is like theirs. Nobody's touch, smell, feel... HOW do you let that go?

I've witnessed so many people who are head over heels with one person only to give up on them to go from extraordinarily in love to ordinarily in a "safe" relationship. They claim they're happy but everyone (including them) knows they're not. 9 times out of 10, they end up going through a messy break-up, divorce or just suffer through a relationship that should probably never have been to begin with.

My question is.. when there's nobody else better than the person you love how do you go from more than you ever wanted to something you never needed?

Of hoes and (wo)men

This weekend was a complete mess of scantily clad girls playing dress up trying to pass themselves off as women. It's disgusting. Everywhere I turned I saw nastiness (to which most of my male friends couldn't get enough of). Sistas.. is it really necessary to wear a t-shirt that barely covers your body just because you couldn't find a dress? They DO actually sell shorts, pants and skirts among other things just in case you missed that memo. What bothers me the most is that these heffas are setting the standard for how men treat me and that's where I get pissed. For every woman that has some level of respect for herself, there are 5 Shaniqua's from around the way that don't give a damn. So when I go out dudes feel it's okay to grab me, touch me, and just be outright disrespectful because some other broads have made them feel like this is okay.

This is NOT what's hot in the streets.

Splitting poles

Yesterday after work (and a very unnecessarily blower conversation with the DOB chick I talked about yesterday) my coworker and I discussed what friendship really means. As we were walking and talking, everytime we came up to a pole or a tree she would walk around the opposite side of me. Eventually I asked her about it and she said she always does that. I questioned the whole bad luck thing, chalked it up as some silly superstition and kept it moving but for some reason my overanalytical mind would not let it go.

I thought about all the times people had broken their necks to be on the same side of the pole as me (clearly I'm speaking figuratively). They would try in their best powers to be on my side when I would make it clear that I never have and never will be about sides. I'm about fairness and respect. I'm not perfect but I try my best to see where someone else is coming from in hopes that they'll do the same for me. We don't have to think or act the same just as long as we have a mutual desire to understand one another and our respective viewpoints.

So thinking back on our conversation I couldn't help but think that maybe the act of splitting poles isn't such a bad thing. To me it's symbolic of two individuals walking together in any situation -- whether it be a friendship, relationship or even with a family member -- and at some point differing in views. What sets the situation apart is whether you come to a mutual agreement in the middle (the pole) and meet on the other side or choose to go your own way.

Team BBH

I used to wonder why guys always appeared to have more succesful (and lasting) friendships than females but after countless experiences of "friends" backing out on plans for some random dude, I've finally seen the light. While men adhere to the code of BBH (Bros Before Hoes) too many females are quick to jump on the DOB (Dick Over B*tches) bandwagon. Do you see dudes cancelling plans or putting their boys on the backburner for some chick? NEVER! They will schedule their time with a girl around their pre-existing plans with the boys and not even think twice about it. On the other hand females will carry plans with their friends because they're waiting on some dude to call. You have got to be kidding me.

See.. this is what's wrong with a lot of females these days. The people that truly know me know I don't play that. If you make plans, stick to them. If you can't make it, tell me. Don't bs me and especially not for some dude and then tell me it's because of some dude because I will never look at you the same. EVER.

If you can't tell, I was a victim of DOB this weekend and I was irritated by it to say the least. Needless to say I went ahead and did my own thing, but the point is that I subscribe to the mentality of BBH so when I learn that you're a faithful follower of DOB I'll forgive you and love you no less but don't be surprised when I am reluctant to make plans with you again.

Return of the light skinneds

My girlfriend called me this Friday to ask if I wanted to watch the games. Thinking it would be a night of chillaxing with my homie and a break from all the partying I'd been doing, I welcomed the idea, took a shower, got dressed, and headed out the door for the night that would become known as the invasion of the light skinneds.

I walked into the Sideline bar and it was packed! I was thinking.. "WOW! Look at all the men in one spot" when I caught one boy in particular looking at me. As we made eye contact it hit me that I knew this boy from somewhere but I couldn't place him for the life of me. Eventually he gestured for me to come but I don't play that and I told him to come over to me. If you can't tell by now I have MAJOR control issues but we'll discuss that some other time. Anyway, he walks over and I'm literally staring at this boy like "I KNOW YOU." So he starts smiling in my face and whispering sweet nothings all up and down the place while I'm standing there stuck. Suddenly the accent, the mannerisms, shoot.. the location hit me like a ton of bricks. I did know him and could finally say from where. Immediately after my epiphany he asked, "so what's your name sweetheart?" I responded THINKING he would pick up on it but this dummy starts to tell me his name. Of course I cut him off and said, "I know who you are. Your name is G." Looking all dumbfounded the light skinned asked me how I knew his name and I quickly responded by asking him if he had a friend named B (yes.. it's the same B as before.. you know the whack one). He says yes and points to B sitting at the table. Well dern... if the world isn't too damn small but what makes it yuckier is that G is the same boy that tried to talk to my friend only a few weeks before in the parking lot right outside and I made sure he remembered too (at least we can say he has good taste). Not wanting to be rude I walked over to say hi to B. Yes, I know.. I'm a b*tch for that one but hey.. it is what it is. So after I finished being a smart ass I walked away to go back with my girlfriend. These light skinned fools and the rest of their light skinned squad proceeded to follow me and my friend around the bar. This light skinned bastard even had the nerve to approach me and ask me why I hadn't called him back. I told him not to get me started and he had even more nerve to ask me if he could call me the next day to talk. About what? What could we possibly have to discuss? Your loserness? I'll pass.

Then out of nowhere one of my chocolate honey dips from college showed up. I gave him the biggest hug of life not realizing the light skinned mob was looking on from mere feet away. As I sat and attempted to catch up with him on our school days we were bombarded with ice glares from the Lite Brite Committee of Hateration (LBCH). Unpleasant to say the least. Next thing I know G approaches my girlfriend and tries to talk to her. Do you know what this ignorant bamma said to my friend?? "I know you've probably already heard about me..." Dude.. do you REALLY think I had time to sit there and talk to her about your simple behind? I don't think so. Light skinneds are just so full of themselves.. I swear. And to make it worse they're both SHORT light skinneds which is like a double negative... totally.

The only positive things that came out of that situation were the time I spent with my chica and bumping into the boy from college. Looking at him I wondered why we never got together. Shoot.. we even talked about it and it was the first time I admitted the truth. I hadn't gone out with him that one night because my friends told me he was a whore (and I believed them). He laughed and said he'd always known that but my "friends" were the real whores because they had all gone behind my back and tried to be with him. I wasn't surprised.

There are two morals to this story:
1. Stay away from short light skinned boys.. they are the devil
2. Check your friends.. they may be the devil too

I've been partying like a rockstar.. that's where I've been

So there's this dude. He takes pictures. At all the parties. I don't get him. Like really... I don't.

Everytime we're out he catches us off guard. It's like he reinvents himself or something because we never realize it's him until AFTER the picture has been taken. I mean, if you're gonna take a picture of me and plaster it all over the world wide web you should allow me to look at my picture. It's ME dammit! My image. My body. My smile. My lazy eye. My body is my trademark so that has to be some type of copyright infringement or something.. not allowing me to approve of myself in a picture and whatnot... *as if* (I should really look into this.. I think my basic human right to sexy pictures is being violated).

So anyway last night this dude takes a picture of us and as if on cue we ask to see the damn thing. He holds his camera tight, says "no" and hands us business cards. In that second we realize **drumroll please** "it's him" and just like the last time and the time before that I swear this will be the last time he will EVER snap a picture of all this caramel goodness. How dare he withhold my image from myself. How rude!

On another note.. I've had the most fun EVER this past week and it seems like it's only going to get better. First was my homeboy's party at Olive's (Happy Pre-Birthday Ray.. check out his website for all the crazysexyfly parties in DC ). Let me tell you right now that I had soo much FUN and I can't even begin to explain to you why. Don't you have those nights sometimes? But I felt bad because me being at his party meant me missing another one of my close homeboy's shindigs (Happy Birthday Marco!! Love you much *muah*) so I had to remix it and round the troops for a part deux last night at The Park.. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.. I was slizzered in every which way and was LOVING IT. I pop locked and dropped it, bent over touched my toes and I think I even did the tootsie roll.. THAT's how much fun I had.

Oh well. Back to the real world for the kid. School begins...

PS ~ Next stop.. KK's bday party. Why the heck do I love me some Gemini's?
PPS ~ Coming soon: The next episode of the anti-lightskinneds... the saga continues

Case of the light skinneds

Boys, boys, boys.. when will they EVER learn.

I decided to stop being so hard on them by giving B another chance. After our first outing I told myself that I didn't want to see him again but after much thought and contemplation I decided, why not? Why oh WHY do I do this to myself?

So I call him on Sunday to confirm our plans. I get the vm (go figure) and proceed to leave a message. Monday comes around still no return call but surprise, surprise.. I get a miscellaneous text message asking "how was your weekend?" You guessed right... I didn't respond. I figured it was a prelude to the call that was coming later. It never came. Tuesday (the day of our supposed date) comes and goes. NOTHING. This mothersucker sends me a text message on Wednesday saying "hey sweetie.. what happened to our date yesterday?" ARE YOU SERIOUS? First of all clear your mouth of the word sweetie because no parts of me or what I'm about to say to you are going to come anything close to being a delectable sweet savory taste to your senses. Second of all.. ARE YOU SERIOUS? A text message dude? You couldn't even have the decency to call me back? Nigro please. Try the next sista. Now do you all see why I don't like light skinneds? **AS IF**

Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I hit the streets with my homegirl C-licious. I wanted to be in my bed more than anything but I went along for the ride. The more dudes spit their loose game, the more I wanted to curl up in my bed. This one dude.. I'll call him BJ.. proceeds to start talking to me. He's cool. We're laughing it up and I appreciate that he's helping me not be that stank girl standing in the club looking mad at the world who was ready to go before she got there (btw.. I was that chick last night). But anyway, we're laughing talking and then he tries to dance with me. I tell him I don't like dancing with other people (I don't). This fool had the audacity to say "This area is about relationships. It's all about who you know and I'm trying to help you out." Say WHAT now? Come again? I thought I hadn't heard him correctly and leaned in closer only for this fool to repeat it again. So me dancing with you is supposed to give me the "key to the city?" Repeat after me: "Nigro please!" I laughed and kept trying to move around him while signaling to my girl that I was 100% RET TO GO. Thankfully she caught on and we proceeded to deuce out but not before Mr. "I got the hook up" himself popped his booty on me. Ew. Don't you EVER as a grown man pop your booty. EVER. But then again.. he was light skinned. Could I really expect anything different?

I make me better

Today a friend of mine asked me what I thought the secret of happiness is. Here's what I said:

"After thinking about it I think that the key to happiness is knowing, understanding and being ourselves. So often we try to adapt to what other people expect or try to do what other people would (or would not) do and forget who we are as individuals. As a result we limit who WE are and become less satisfied with the representatives that we're introducing to the world because it's not us.. it's pieces of other people that we see and think will 'make us better' insead of trusting in who we are."

Little did she know another friend (like a little sister) of mine had not long before commented on some pictures I put up on facebook saying that was the happiest she'd seen me in a long time. As I thought about it I realized she was right. I hadn't been happy in a long time but I was finally embracing me, flaws and all, and the proof was right there in the pictures...

What will be.. be

I had a nice time with B. I enjoyed his company and had a great time but in the back of my mind I knew I didn't want to be there with him. I've come to the realization that I have a way of self-sabotaging things before they even start. I need to get over it.

After I drove off from our date, me and my overanalytical mind picked apart every word B had uttered until I found myself saying that I didn't want to be bothered with him. I mean, sure he was a nice guy and all but my heart has a voice of it's own and was screaming out someone else's name. Here this guy was being attentive and wanting to spend time getting to know me when the person my heart was longing for appeared to want nothing to do with me. Then I'm thinking, why? What is it about *him* that has me wishing he was next to me instead of someone else? I mean, let's be real. He's never there for me, is extremely hot and cold and is out there doing his own thing so why can't I get it right and do mine? My ex claims that it's because I hold onto the good in people to a fault and I'm starting to agree. I feel stupid in every which way for still wanting him to be a part of my life when his actions show that he doesn't even care if I'm in his.

As if by fate my girlfriend shared a quote with me that said, "power is the ablity to walk away from something you desire to protect something you love." Instantly I thought of *him*. I thought about our situation. I thought about all the times I'd cried. I thought about all the drama. I thought about all the hurt, the embarassment, and everything in between only to realize that outside of desiring him I love myself more.

While it's going to be hard I have to find the power to walk away and protect the deepest part of me -- my heart. My footsteps may not lead me toward B but right now I need them to take me away from *him*. I won't lie and say a part of me won't still wish it was him instead but I have to do what's best for me. Maybe one day he'll recognize my sunshine and show and tell me how he feels and things will change. Until that day, if ever, I'll still care about him but I have to live for today and not what tomorrow might be.

I can't wait :-)

Don't you love that feeling of excitement before a first date?

For the past two days I've been nervous, excited and anxious all wrapped up in one. I'm a protector of all names so we'll call this boy B.

Now, B is not my typical dude. I love my men tall dark and handsome, but this short(er) light skinned dude has worked his little mojo on me and consistently makes me smile (a hard feat in and of itself I might add).

I'll be honest, when I met him I was on the phone doing my own thing while his boy was talking to one of my homegirls. I was dressed down in chill mode so I was thinking B was just taking "one for the team" by talking to me while his boy got his mack on (do people even say that anymore? lol). I decided not to play rude and told "Mr. Potential" I'd have to call him back (keep up with the names... this can go kind of fast.. thanks). Well.. what I thought would be a 5 minute quickie of pure entertainment turned into a really nice converstation. Totally unexpected.

With all that being said, I'm really looking forward to tonight. I'll be honest (again) and say that initially I wished I could put B's personality into someone else (I'll introduce *him* later) but for right now I'm thinking maybe the fact that he's not *him* might be a good thing after all...

I'll keep you guys posted :-)


PS ~ The person I refer to as *him* is my "Big" (all you SATC fans will understand... lol)

What about the children?

Yesterday I found myself forced to listen to the loud and disrespectful conversation of a group of young Black boys riding the Metro. I will admit that for a brief moment I was ashamed to be a 'sista' as I heard them shouting vulgarities about women for everyone to hear. My anger and disappointment slowly turned to sadness as I realized that these young soon-to-be men probably didn't know any better. I hate to sound like I'm beating the same old drum but I can't help but think of the way women (especially Black women) are portrayed in the media and music. Can we honestly fault our youth for placing such a strong emphasis on what they see and hear EVERY day? It's disturbing, to say the least, but the issue that's weighing more heavily on my mind is who or what will be the force of change that will teach our children differently?

Girls just wanna have fun

Yesterday I had the best time ever hanging with my amigas and shooting the breeze. I laughed so hard, sometimes for no apparent reason, at all the silliness that ensued at the boys' annual cookout (shout out to my homies of Hypnotik Entertainment). As tired as I feel doing homework right now, a day with my ladies made it all worthwhile... (more pics to come)

Boring sex and babies

Something must be in the air.. the water.. something!

Within the past few months I've been propositioned for marriage.. asked if I would move out of state to "give things a chance".. shoot.. I've even had one dude trying to name our kids! Of course I said no to all of the above but then I'm thinking to myself.. why not? I'm not getting any younger, right? The key word in settling down is settling so maybe I should do just that. Maybe the old folks were onto something when they weren't necessarily "in love" but made it work.

So there's this one dude in particular... we'll call him "Mr. Potential." Mr. Potential is cool. He likes me A LOT. Is very family oriented. Wants to be with me and all that good stuff.. but the truth is that my heart isn't there. If you looked at his credentials on paper you'd think I'd hit the jackpot. I'm so lucky, right? Not so sure. I mean he's nice and all (isn't that the worst way you can describe someone?) but where's the chemistry? The sparks? That feeling of "I knew you were the one for me" that I keep hearing people talk about...

Point blank I don't want to be stuck with some dude experiencing the mundane life of obligatory sex, wet diapers and playing Chef Girlardee just for a tax write off. Why part of me is considering just letting it happen is beyond me. Maybe it's that darn biological clock with the broken snooze button that's going off inside. Maybe I'm just bored "weighing my options" with these whack dudes who think their bubble gum rap will get me to break my relationship/dating celibacy. Either way I'm starting to think I'm hitting the same pipes as these dudes because clearly I'm trippin.

Hard dick and bubble gum

In the words of my boy Jay, I'm gonna rap about this now and hope you get it (sooner than) later...

People generally don't care about you. They care about what you can do for them and the fastest way they can get it. If you've been disillusioned into thinking that you're the exception to the rule I hope that one of these days reality comes knocking on your door.

For a long time I believed the hype and I'll admit that it had me feeling some kind of way about myself -- I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. If I only had more of *something* then I would be better -- all because I believed that people cared and when I realized they didn't I thought there must be something wrong with me for them not to. It took someone hurting me to the core of my being to realize that I'd been living in a fantasy world that revolved around me and what I wanted.

People will offer you bubble gum thrills to get what they want out of you but when it's all said and done you were really just bent over with a hard dick and a fake smile.

The moral of my story is this: stop giving everything for nothing because in the end the majority of those people that you would give everything for will be the ones doing nothing for you.

I can do bad all by myself... (but I don't want to)

One thing I've learned is that people will always let you down. After being hurt time and time again by the people in my life I've slowly built a wall to protect me from the bs that everyone seems so willing to give. Every now and then I let someone in hoping and praying that they will be different but most of the time they aren't and I lay another brick on my wall of self-preservation. Maybe I expect too much out of people. Maybe I see all the potential in a person and ignore who they really are in anticipation that they won't be like everyone else...

I'm always ready to give 100% of me to the people that I allow into my life when reality later reveals that they've only given me 10. Where's the balance? They say relationships are 50/50, but are they really? Someone's always giving more, trusting more, hoping more, wanting more... and that someone is usually me.

I've realized that I'm not like every other chick. It's hard for me to express my feelings or tell someone that I want or need them to be there for me. As a result I'm often perceived as being hard or possessing this impenetrable barrier when in actuality I hurt and I cry because when I let people in I give them access to the deepest part of me -- my heart.

I was raised to never ask anyone to do for me what I can do for myself. Maybe my exaggerated independence is the result of me being the product of a single-parent household but I'll tell you this much... pride and that same independence will only get me so far. I know I need to open up more, let people in more, trust more and show people I care more but it's hard when the person or people you love are the ones who are letting you down.

I don't want my reservation to consistently be for a party of one, but if it protects me from the way I'm feeling at this moment (*disappointed*) then for now I'll do bad all by myself... even though I still don't want to.

Step into my world

I've finally decided to join this crazy world of blogging. I used to be scared to put my thoughts and feelings out there (*in some ways I still am*) but I've decided to give this thing a try. People that know me will tell you in a heartbeat that I'm very introverted and private; I think way too much about the most random things and stuff will sit on my mind forever. So instead of keeping it all in and driving myself crazy I figured I can make you guys laugh, cry, get irritated or whatever while allowing you to gain a better understanding of me and the way my crazy redboned self thinks.

Disclaimer: Nothing I say on here is meant to hurt ANYONE. I'm just speaking on life from the perspective of me.