What will be.. be

I had a nice time with B. I enjoyed his company and had a great time but in the back of my mind I knew I didn't want to be there with him. I've come to the realization that I have a way of self-sabotaging things before they even start. I need to get over it.

After I drove off from our date, me and my overanalytical mind picked apart every word B had uttered until I found myself saying that I didn't want to be bothered with him. I mean, sure he was a nice guy and all but my heart has a voice of it's own and was screaming out someone else's name. Here this guy was being attentive and wanting to spend time getting to know me when the person my heart was longing for appeared to want nothing to do with me. Then I'm thinking, why? What is it about *him* that has me wishing he was next to me instead of someone else? I mean, let's be real. He's never there for me, is extremely hot and cold and is out there doing his own thing so why can't I get it right and do mine? My ex claims that it's because I hold onto the good in people to a fault and I'm starting to agree. I feel stupid in every which way for still wanting him to be a part of my life when his actions show that he doesn't even care if I'm in his.

As if by fate my girlfriend shared a quote with me that said, "power is the ablity to walk away from something you desire to protect something you love." Instantly I thought of *him*. I thought about our situation. I thought about all the times I'd cried. I thought about all the drama. I thought about all the hurt, the embarassment, and everything in between only to realize that outside of desiring him I love myself more.

While it's going to be hard I have to find the power to walk away and protect the deepest part of me -- my heart. My footsteps may not lead me toward B but right now I need them to take me away from *him*. I won't lie and say a part of me won't still wish it was him instead but I have to do what's best for me. Maybe one day he'll recognize my sunshine and show and tell me how he feels and things will change. Until that day, if ever, I'll still care about him but I have to live for today and not what tomorrow might be.