What will be.. be

I had a nice time with B. I enjoyed his company and had a great time but in the back of my mind I knew I didn't want to be there with him. I've come to the realization that I have a way of self-sabotaging things before they even start. I need to get over it.

After I drove off from our date, me and my overanalytical mind picked apart every word B had uttered until I found myself saying that I didn't want to be bothered with him. I mean, sure he was a nice guy and all but my heart has a voice of it's own and was screaming out someone else's name. Here this guy was being attentive and wanting to spend time getting to know me when the person my heart was longing for appeared to want nothing to do with me. Then I'm thinking, why? What is it about *him* that has me wishing he was next to me instead of someone else? I mean, let's be real. He's never there for me, is extremely hot and cold and is out there doing his own thing so why can't I get it right and do mine? My ex claims that it's because I hold onto the good in people to a fault and I'm starting to agree. I feel stupid in every which way for still wanting him to be a part of my life when his actions show that he doesn't even care if I'm in his.

As if by fate my girlfriend shared a quote with me that said, "power is the ablity to walk away from something you desire to protect something you love." Instantly I thought of *him*. I thought about our situation. I thought about all the times I'd cried. I thought about all the drama. I thought about all the hurt, the embarassment, and everything in between only to realize that outside of desiring him I love myself more.

While it's going to be hard I have to find the power to walk away and protect the deepest part of me -- my heart. My footsteps may not lead me toward B but right now I need them to take me away from *him*. I won't lie and say a part of me won't still wish it was him instead but I have to do what's best for me. Maybe one day he'll recognize my sunshine and show and tell me how he feels and things will change. Until that day, if ever, I'll still care about him but I have to live for today and not what tomorrow might be.

I can't wait :-)

Don't you love that feeling of excitement before a first date?

For the past two days I've been nervous, excited and anxious all wrapped up in one. I'm a protector of all names so we'll call this boy B.

Now, B is not my typical dude. I love my men tall dark and handsome, but this short(er) light skinned dude has worked his little mojo on me and consistently makes me smile (a hard feat in and of itself I might add).

I'll be honest, when I met him I was on the phone doing my own thing while his boy was talking to one of my homegirls. I was dressed down in chill mode so I was thinking B was just taking "one for the team" by talking to me while his boy got his mack on (do people even say that anymore? lol). I decided not to play rude and told "Mr. Potential" I'd have to call him back (keep up with the names... this can go kind of fast.. thanks). Well.. what I thought would be a 5 minute quickie of pure entertainment turned into a really nice converstation. Totally unexpected.

With all that being said, I'm really looking forward to tonight. I'll be honest (again) and say that initially I wished I could put B's personality into someone else (I'll introduce *him* later) but for right now I'm thinking maybe the fact that he's not *him* might be a good thing after all...

I'll keep you guys posted :-)


PS ~ The person I refer to as *him* is my "Big" (all you SATC fans will understand... lol)

What about the children?

Yesterday I found myself forced to listen to the loud and disrespectful conversation of a group of young Black boys riding the Metro. I will admit that for a brief moment I was ashamed to be a 'sista' as I heard them shouting vulgarities about women for everyone to hear. My anger and disappointment slowly turned to sadness as I realized that these young soon-to-be men probably didn't know any better. I hate to sound like I'm beating the same old drum but I can't help but think of the way women (especially Black women) are portrayed in the media and music. Can we honestly fault our youth for placing such a strong emphasis on what they see and hear EVERY day? It's disturbing, to say the least, but the issue that's weighing more heavily on my mind is who or what will be the force of change that will teach our children differently?

Girls just wanna have fun

Yesterday I had the best time ever hanging with my amigas and shooting the breeze. I laughed so hard, sometimes for no apparent reason, at all the silliness that ensued at the boys' annual cookout (shout out to my homies of Hypnotik Entertainment). As tired as I feel doing homework right now, a day with my ladies made it all worthwhile... (more pics to come)

Boring sex and babies

Something must be in the air.. the water.. something!

Within the past few months I've been propositioned for marriage.. asked if I would move out of state to "give things a chance".. shoot.. I've even had one dude trying to name our kids! Of course I said no to all of the above but then I'm thinking to myself.. why not? I'm not getting any younger, right? The key word in settling down is settling so maybe I should do just that. Maybe the old folks were onto something when they weren't necessarily "in love" but made it work.

So there's this one dude in particular... we'll call him "Mr. Potential." Mr. Potential is cool. He likes me A LOT. Is very family oriented. Wants to be with me and all that good stuff.. but the truth is that my heart isn't there. If you looked at his credentials on paper you'd think I'd hit the jackpot. I'm so lucky, right? Not so sure. I mean he's nice and all (isn't that the worst way you can describe someone?) but where's the chemistry? The sparks? That feeling of "I knew you were the one for me" that I keep hearing people talk about...

Point blank I don't want to be stuck with some dude experiencing the mundane life of obligatory sex, wet diapers and playing Chef Girlardee just for a tax write off. Why part of me is considering just letting it happen is beyond me. Maybe it's that darn biological clock with the broken snooze button that's going off inside. Maybe I'm just bored "weighing my options" with these whack dudes who think their bubble gum rap will get me to break my relationship/dating celibacy. Either way I'm starting to think I'm hitting the same pipes as these dudes because clearly I'm trippin.

Hard dick and bubble gum

In the words of my boy Jay, I'm gonna rap about this now and hope you get it (sooner than) later...

People generally don't care about you. They care about what you can do for them and the fastest way they can get it. If you've been disillusioned into thinking that you're the exception to the rule I hope that one of these days reality comes knocking on your door.

For a long time I believed the hype and I'll admit that it had me feeling some kind of way about myself -- I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. If I only had more of *something* then I would be better -- all because I believed that people cared and when I realized they didn't I thought there must be something wrong with me for them not to. It took someone hurting me to the core of my being to realize that I'd been living in a fantasy world that revolved around me and what I wanted.

People will offer you bubble gum thrills to get what they want out of you but when it's all said and done you were really just bent over with a hard dick and a fake smile.

The moral of my story is this: stop giving everything for nothing because in the end the majority of those people that you would give everything for will be the ones doing nothing for you.

I can do bad all by myself... (but I don't want to)

One thing I've learned is that people will always let you down. After being hurt time and time again by the people in my life I've slowly built a wall to protect me from the bs that everyone seems so willing to give. Every now and then I let someone in hoping and praying that they will be different but most of the time they aren't and I lay another brick on my wall of self-preservation. Maybe I expect too much out of people. Maybe I see all the potential in a person and ignore who they really are in anticipation that they won't be like everyone else...

I'm always ready to give 100% of me to the people that I allow into my life when reality later reveals that they've only given me 10. Where's the balance? They say relationships are 50/50, but are they really? Someone's always giving more, trusting more, hoping more, wanting more... and that someone is usually me.

I've realized that I'm not like every other chick. It's hard for me to express my feelings or tell someone that I want or need them to be there for me. As a result I'm often perceived as being hard or possessing this impenetrable barrier when in actuality I hurt and I cry because when I let people in I give them access to the deepest part of me -- my heart.

I was raised to never ask anyone to do for me what I can do for myself. Maybe my exaggerated independence is the result of me being the product of a single-parent household but I'll tell you this much... pride and that same independence will only get me so far. I know I need to open up more, let people in more, trust more and show people I care more but it's hard when the person or people you love are the ones who are letting you down.

I don't want my reservation to consistently be for a party of one, but if it protects me from the way I'm feeling at this moment (*disappointed*) then for now I'll do bad all by myself... even though I still don't want to.

Step into my world

I've finally decided to join this crazy world of blogging. I used to be scared to put my thoughts and feelings out there (*in some ways I still am*) but I've decided to give this thing a try. People that know me will tell you in a heartbeat that I'm very introverted and private; I think way too much about the most random things and stuff will sit on my mind forever. So instead of keeping it all in and driving myself crazy I figured I can make you guys laugh, cry, get irritated or whatever while allowing you to gain a better understanding of me and the way my crazy redboned self thinks.

Disclaimer: Nothing I say on here is meant to hurt ANYONE. I'm just speaking on life from the perspective of me.