I can do bad all by myself... (but I don't want to)

One thing I've learned is that people will always let you down. After being hurt time and time again by the people in my life I've slowly built a wall to protect me from the bs that everyone seems so willing to give. Every now and then I let someone in hoping and praying that they will be different but most of the time they aren't and I lay another brick on my wall of self-preservation. Maybe I expect too much out of people. Maybe I see all the potential in a person and ignore who they really are in anticipation that they won't be like everyone else...

I'm always ready to give 100% of me to the people that I allow into my life when reality later reveals that they've only given me 10. Where's the balance? They say relationships are 50/50, but are they really? Someone's always giving more, trusting more, hoping more, wanting more... and that someone is usually me.

I've realized that I'm not like every other chick. It's hard for me to express my feelings or tell someone that I want or need them to be there for me. As a result I'm often perceived as being hard or possessing this impenetrable barrier when in actuality I hurt and I cry because when I let people in I give them access to the deepest part of me -- my heart.

I was raised to never ask anyone to do for me what I can do for myself. Maybe my exaggerated independence is the result of me being the product of a single-parent household but I'll tell you this much... pride and that same independence will only get me so far. I know I need to open up more, let people in more, trust more and show people I care more but it's hard when the person or people you love are the ones who are letting you down.

I don't want my reservation to consistently be for a party of one, but if it protects me from the way I'm feeling at this moment (*disappointed*) then for now I'll do bad all by myself... even though I still don't want to.